I’m kinda bummed out. I spent the afternoon and part of the evening with my boyfriend, but he was so exhausted from trying to help out a guy we know and getting fucked over (yet again by the same guy), he pretty much slept our whole visit.
I looked really cute and I just wanted to love on my boyfriend. I’m going to let him just get a good night’s sleep and try again to see him tomorrow. I love him to pieces and hates how much he feels he needs to do for others in order just to get false hope and broken promises for the smidget of hope that these people will change.
I just want us both making money so we can figure it out and have a real chance at a life together. I love him.
I went to see the psychiatrist for the first time ever today. The doctor that I go talk to about anxiety sent me. He took me off of my Ativan and Clonazepam, increased my Propanalol dosage and pushed some more Seroquel on me to sleep. He gave me low-dose Xanex to take and some other medication that conveniently isn’t available anywhere up here until late next week.. so now I have to speak to him and try to figure out how to minimize my anxiety in the meantime.
Every time I’ve been “diagnosed” with anxiety, doctors have tried to push anti-depressants on me because they sometimes work for people with anxiety (because a lot of the time the two go hand in hand).
However, the doctor assured me that he doesn’t believe I’m chemically or clinically depressed at all. He re-diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and mild OCD and officially diagnosed me with PTSD, which he thinks is a long-term psychological symptom of my grandfather’s murder, which makes sense.
I’m going to see my babes tomorrow! I’m super stoked. I’m gonna kiss him hard.
In the meantime, I’m baked and melatonin beats Seroquel anyday.
My mum’s here! Thank God.
My grandmother and dad are very messy fucking people and it drives me insane. My mother, however, provides organization and order to an extent which my obsessive compulsive disorder is mostly comfortable with (except when she used to take clothes from me and put them back in the wrong spot).
I can’t wait to help her make this place feel a little homier while I’m here.
I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hardspot. Either I live here for a while, get more financially stable and work on KC and I slowly or I make some money, blow this pop stand and go back to living with the man I love. Either way, my dad and boyfriend both hate each other’s guts and I understand my boyfriend’s perspective 110 per cent, but at the same time, the only way my dad’s ever been a typical dad is with his ability to provide, which he feels is the equivalent to showing love. He feels threatened by the idea that someone else could metaphorically “take care of me,” although the goal is to be able to take care of myself, no matter what.
Why can’t life just be a little bit easier lately?
I’m exhausted. I spent the entire day in the store by myself.
I can’t wait to see my mommy tomorrow. I miss her so fucking much.
I’m trying really hard to find the right words for how I feel about my life right now. I’m hopeful, but I’m crudely realistic.
I just got back to the store from seeing KC for the first time in six days. Oh God, how I missed him. We started kissing and just cuddling each other like it was the last time we would ever do that. But we talked. We’re going to make it work. We just need time. I gotta get my shit together and our bills paid and try to work on my relationship with my family as well.
Either way, my heart is a lot happier than it’s been in days. Seeing him gave me hope. He’s my person. Sure, we have our issues, just like every couple does. But he’s faithful, loyal, honest, protective and knows me better than anyone.
I could be wearing sweat pants and have my hair in a ball on top of my head with no makeup on and he still would tell me how beautiful he thinks I am and make me a cup of tea on top of it.
Our love for each other is realer than anything I’ve ever felt before.
I’m praying and hoping we can just make this work.
I was sad today. KC had been texting me really long, heart-felt messages all morning and it made me cry. I miss him and love him, I just hate what he said and I know that he regrets it, but I still just wanna be with him.
In a perfect world we’d have our shit together faster than expected, find a place, live normally, be happy and in love and eventually go back to Vancouver. Then my dad would have no choice but to just simply give him a chance. I’m praying for a fucking miracle.
And I do plan on going back to my old blogging/lifestyle of dressing cute and looking like a cupi-doll and documenting it through photography.. I just never planned for my New Year’s resolution to be to try and keep relationships with both the love of my life and my family.
Dorthy reminded me yesterday of all of the good qualities I have and that I’m determined with big dreams. It did inspire me a little.
Either way, I still really miss my boyfriend. And yes, I say that present tense because it’s not over ‘til it’s over.
I haven’t felt right since I left KC. I don’t wanna do anything. I’m trying really hard to be positive, but it’s not the easiest thing in the world when you feel like you abandoned the love of your life, even if he instigated it. I know he’s regretting it now. He’s blaming me for going back to my dad’s, even though he helped me pack all my shit and told me that’s what he wanted. What it comes down to is his alpha-male way of life. If he can’t provide for me, he doesn’t want to be with me. But right now, I also need to be able to provide for myself. Sigh.
I got up really early this morning, had a shower, put on makeup and opened the store. At around 1, Kari, a girl who lives in this town drove me to a therapy appointment I had made with Dorthy, a counselor whom I’ve been seeing since May.
Dorthy had quite a bit to say about my current situation and the men involved. She made a suggestion that I go into an in-patient post-the-situation-I-was-in-last-year facility for six weeks in Kelowna, which I happen to disagree with. Either way, it was nice to tell someone neutral the situation I’ve had to get myself in. I don’t trust a lot of people to be that way right now, as everyone likes to talk in my family. I’m going to see her again next week.
I was hoping to see Casey today. Didn’t work out. I’m a little disappointed.
I have no energy. My heart is so sad. This is really the last thing that I ever thought would happen or wanted to happen. I feel displaced. I’m currently sleeping on the couch of my dad’s house, helping him with his business and whatever so that I can make money to pay my bills off ($600 to Telus and $180 to some collections company).
I just hope that KC and I can get our shit straight so that if I don’t want to, I won’t have to rely on my parents anymore to bail me out of bad situations. I miss my independence and it’s one of my goals this year to get it back.
Well it’s New Year’s Day and I’ve made it one of my resolutions to start posting the daily events of my life and selfies once again.
All I can say about 2013 was that it was probably one of the worst years of my life. I’ve been through more than I’d wish on my worst enemy. But now, I’m back at my dad’s in Kaleden for a little while. He’s going to pay me to work in the store. Casey and I are currently on a hiatus as of yesterday. I’m terribly broken up over it, but I’m trying to keep my head up.
I love Casey more than anything in this world. He’s my best friend. However, we’re at two different points in our lives.
My hope for this year is to start doing me again. I hope to God that Casey and I can reunite and make it work, someway or another.
But either way, I plan to kick ass this year. I plan to eventually (hopefully by Spring), go back to Vancouver, go back to school, reunite with old friends, make money, get back to my cute-dressing, china-doll-faced ways and find happiness.
Cheers to a new year, hopefully I can stick to making good decisions this one and never, ever, ever have to experience what I have last year again.